You will never excel in building relationships if you don’t understand the idea of counseling. I am a Christian, and this is a Christian blog, so naturally we will look at the idea of counseling in its purest and most natural form, the Biblical way. Stick with me though, because there is PLENTY of practical application in all areas of life.
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.
Proverbs 27:9
Whether its a relationship with a significant other, a friend, or a work colleague, we must understand some basic truths about how humans perceive the world if we are to excel in building relationships. Often, the best way to deepen relationships is through good counsel or good advice. People will naturally gravitate towards those who they feel can understand them. No one honestly wants to feel alone and unseen. From the greatest leaders to the most ruthless criminals, everyone has a desire to be remembered for something, or to be seen as something.
In this article, we’re going to examine four types of counseling situations. I learned these extensively during my time as a camp counselor, and they’ve stuck with me since. Over time, I’ve rehearsed these tenets enough to be able to apply them in almost any situation. Whether it’s a personal battle, a friend struggling with a problem, or a coworker blowing off steam, there’s a world of insight that opens up if you can fit the outpouring of emotion you’re experiencing into one of these four categories. All four categories branch from two ideas: suffering and sin.
Sin Around Me.
This suffering comes from living in a world marked by the effects of wrongdoing. Sin entered the picture with Adam’s first mistake, causing the whole world to become messed up and broken. I’m going through tough times, but it’s not always because of something I did wrong or because of others hurting me. The presence of sin around me means I’m facing difficulties due to living in a world affected by the fallout of wrongdoing. I’m living in a world scarred by the curse of sin I need to figure out how to deal with this reality based on what the Bible teaches.
For example, because we live in a sin-cursed world, we will suffer heartache and pain. When I speak of sickness, I’m talking about ailments outside of our control, like brain tumors, cerebral palsy, arthritis, Alzheimer’s, etc. Because we live in a world marred by the effects of sin, we have to deal and cope with various ailments that would have never been an issue had man not aligned himself in rebellion against God.
I had a great-aunt who recently died of cancer. She fought for over a decade. She loved the Lord. She raised kids who love the Lord. She was active in her community, her church, and her career. She always had a smile, she always had a nice thing to say about somebody, and she was always so lively.
Still, because of the effects of sin, she had to experience pain and sickness. She tried multiple different medications and treatment programs. She was in wheelchairs and hospital rooms. She had splitting headaches and severe nausea. The chemo medicine tore at her body to the point where she developed blisters on her feet, making it impossible to walk. She rang the cancer bell multiple times but it kept coming back, and it eventually took her life.
It was nobody’s fault that she got cancer. It was no one’s fault that she died of cancer. It is simply the result of us living in a sin-cursed world. And sometimes we experience things in life that are painful and that are tough. They’re difficult, they make us angry, and they make us sad. But we can take joy in the fact that, if we know Jesus and have accepted him as Lord and Savior, there will come a day when we will be removed from the presence of sin and it will no more have an effect on us like it does now.
Sin in Me.
The sin within me is my own. It is something I’m responsible for personally. However, it’s important to note that it’s not limited to outward actions or words alone, but it goes deeper, stemming from my inner desires and convictions. In other words, what I do and say is based on what I crave and believe in. Remember, though my personal sin is tied to my choices, it’s not a private matter. Its effects ripple out and impact those in my sphere of influence and interaction.
When I was a child, I got into a fight with my brother, It got physical, and, because I was bigger than him, I ended up getting my arms wrapped around his legs, where I then proceeded to drag him down the carpeted hallway, putting carpet burn all along his back. A few years later, when he outgrew me, he got the upper hand in a different fight and performed a wicked “ground and pound” operation on my face. No one had to teach us to hurt each other. Both of us had too much pride, and we both wanted respect, so we resorted to violence in order to obtain it.
I fully knew what I was doing when I dragged him down that hallway, screaming. He knew the same when he had me pinned on the floor. The effects of the sin rippled out and affected the other person. It is important to note that when you, or someone you are interacting with, is dealing with an issue of personal sin, that they will most likely deflect at first. If you had asked me about that fight with my brother right after it had happened, I would have furiously told you it was all his fault because he had belittled me and he was aggravating and immature and whatever other excuse I could think up. However, I was in the wrong when I dragged him down the hallway.
To respond correctly in this situation, it’s important to let the person air their grievances, and then ask self-reflective questions. “How did you respond when they did X” “What did you think when they said Y”. Figure out who provoked whom and proceed from there. The less talking that you do at the outset, the better. You want the person to initially feel seen, not attacked. Once you have the full scope of the interaction, then you can present your evidence if you feel this is a Sin In Me situation.
When you begin to counsel, make sure that you target the root, not the fruit. If you are counseling 10-year-old me about fighting with my brother, you wouldn’t simply tell me that dragging him around is wrong. That would be akin to clipping off a dead branch, but still letting poison seep into the roots. Eventually, that poison will kill another branch of the tree, right? So, instead, you should go deeper and tell me that my pride and arrogant attitude (which led to me feeling that I had to drag him around to show him who the boss was) was the actual problem.
Ideally, to address this, you’d offer Biblical counsel in the form of Scripture. God’s Words will always have more power than mine or yours. You would show me a verse like Proverbs 16:18.
Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18
You would then tie the verse into the actual real-life situation. “Your haughty prideful spirit has caused you to fall. Right now, you are not in a good standing with your brother. He is rightfully angry at you for hurting him, and you need to seek to make it right”.
Naturally, this template will vary based on the Sin in Me situation that you find yourself in. Some people will not initially appreciate the counsel. Don’t hammer on them. Lovingly present the truth and let them come around to it in time. They will respect you for your tact and honesty, and the relationship will grow.
Sin Against Me.
Sin against me refers to sin that I haven’t committed, yet I suffer for. I’ve been a victim of sin, and it wasn’t my choice. As such, I continue to bear the consequences of another person’s personal sin. This type of sin has the potential to breed bitterness and a mindset of being victimized, both of which require guidance from a Biblical perspective.
Many struggle with this today. Many rebellious youth who’ve joined the Sin in Me and Sin With Me camps began in the Sin Against Me. Sadly, much of this stems from a lack of parents, and, more specifically, a lack of fathers. Depriving a child of love and attention is a wicked sin that has become all too common. As the child grows, he begins to seek validation from other places if he is not receiving it from his parents. This is where the “falling in with the wrong crowd” really begins to take root.
If you are dealing with someone who is struggling with a Sin Against Me, it’s important that you steer them clear of the victim mentality. A victim mentality absolves the person from responsibility for themselves. It basically says, “You have every right to act and speak however you want because of what was done to you”. This is wrong. Regardless of how we’ve been treated, there are specific principles, ideals, and attitudes that we must continue to uphold. Among these are grace, forgiveness, mercy, and wisdom. You don’t always have to shoot the snake with snakeshot, but you better make sure you never stick your hand in its den again! If someone has the ability to remove themselves from a Sin Against Me situation, they should, but they should not hold a grudge.
A victim mentality seeks to dissolve these principles of forgiveness and mercy in favor of carnal responses, such as bitterness and anger. If you see someone leaning towards that, guide them back to the truth. Validate and pivot. For example…
“That was definitely the wrong way for them to respond, so I understand why you feel that way. That being said, you are still responsible for you. You can’t allow them to continue to control you after the fact. While you can’t always control your circumstances, you can control your response. What is the best response for you to have?”
Notice how we didn’t discount or devalue the feeling, but we didn’t dwell on it and have a pity party. Put the ball back in their court. Many people in the Sin Against Me category feel as if they have no say in the situation. They will tell you this repeatedly in different ways. And, they are not wrong. They are being negatively affected by things they had nothing to do with. When counseling them, show them that they have a say. Give them a choice. Tactfully guide them to a plan of action, even if it affects no one but them. By building that direction out, you are giving them hope. As always, tie it in with Scripture. A good passage I’ve found is Romans 5:3-5…
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Romans 5:3-5
If you are saved, the Holy Spirit will give you the strength. Rest assured, God will always have your best interest at heart. If you keep the focus on Him through all your tribulations and troubles, you will come out the other side with more patience, hope, and joy. Bringing this thought to the forefront with whoever you are counseling is a good idea. It is encouragement for the believer and a testimony to the greatness of God for the unbeliever.
Sin With Me.
Sin with me is the wrongdoing I partake in alongside another individual. It’s important to realize that this participation doesn’t just reflect my personal sin; it also highlights a more significant issue at hand. In this situation, I’ve aligned myself with others in a rebellion against God’s teachings and principles. Sadly, it seems that Sin with Me situations are often brought to light through the observations of someone else, which can potentially lead to a stronger resistance to changing for the better.
Everyone has heard the old adage – if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? Regardless of what we say, the answer for most people would be yes in the end. We are creatures who thrive in belonging and community. There’s a hole in each person. A void that can only be filled by a relationship with Jesus Christ. But many try to substitute and fill this hole with the people around them. We are often persuaded into certain ideas, thought processes, and actions by the actions and ideas of those around us. Sadly, because we all have a sinful nature, Sin With Me becomes a very real possibility.
When people think of group sin, they often think of things like doing drugs together or participating in other illegal activities like shoplifting, robbery, or murder. Maybe they go a bit deeper and include things like premarital sex. However, few talk about gossip, binge drinking, hard-partying, gambling, or any of the other litany of sins that are often participated in by joining another person. All of these things have the same outcome. They pull you further away from God and further away from morality.
Often people get offended when interventions are staged. They find belonging in the people they are sinning with. After all, your closest buddy is the one you can get blackout drunk in a bar with right? That new girl or guy that you’re sleeping with is the most important person in your life, right? Wrong. The people who actually care about you wouldn’t want that kind of life for you, and you know it. But, as we are creatures of community, we are also creatures of comfort. We will follow the crowd and go where we see that we can fit in and not be ostracized. In a world filled with sin, it’s easy to join in the sin rather than stand out like a sore thumb by refusing to take part.
When counseling someone who’s participating in shared sin, Don’t come at them hard ready to beat them over the head with a Bible. Don’t lead off with angry admonishment. Tact is of utmost importance.
Ask them about the future they see in their shared sin. What is the future that you see from going out and partying every weekend? What is the future you see with that boy or that girl that you’re sleeping with outside of wedlock? What do you hope to inspire by gossiping about that person? Are these activities uplifting you and others, or are they tearing people down? In gambling, for someone to win, someone has to lose. In gossiping, someone has to be ridiculed, mocked, or exposed without their knowledge. Someone’s first act of premarital sex always begins with somebody having to give up their purity. None of these are things to be taken lightly. There is no real community in shared sin. Rather, there is shared hurt. There is shared responsibility and shared consequences. The sooner someone recognizes this, the better.
If you can correctly place the problem into one of these categories, you will be much more effective in offering solid advice and input. A particular problem that we face today as a society is a lack of genuine concern. There are people who, if you were to try to explain to them a struggle, they’d let you run out of breath and then give you a pre-prepared response. They’d tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, have more faith, or work harder. All of these are very generic responses. There is no listening, only projecting. Don’t be like these people. When building real relationships, you must offer real feedback. To be the best friend, boyfriend, husband, or man that you need to be, you need to be able to approach problems by finding the root of the sin issue. Then, you will be able to counsel yourself and others much more effectively.
