On May 28, 2023, the Lord enrolled me in a new class. It was a class I’d never taken before, and I wasn’t sure if I even had the proper prereqs, but He put me in it anyway. It was a “make-or-break-it” class. It was the kind of class where you go in and figure out whether you are cut out for the major or not. Sadly, I knew up front that it wasn’t something that I was gonna either pass or fail in a semester. This was a self-paced course. Some people finish it quicker than others. Seems like some people never finish it at all. The class was Heartbreak 101. The major? A Bachelor’s in Loneliness.
Shut up Sam. You’re being dramatic. Really huh? Alright… maybe I’m taking the school analogy a bit too far, with the class names and stuff, but the feelings discussed in the analogy are 100 percent valid. Listen man… I’d been burned and spurned by girls before. I’d been rebuffed, rejected, neglected, and subjected to plenty of puppy love and petty drama. Sometimes it was my fault, and sometimes it wasn’t. But, through all of that, I’d never been crushed. Until Sunday, May 28th. I’m talking about spending a whole day in bed crushed. It was the put your phone on silent, turn out the lights, and stare at the wall, crushed. The kind where you pull 60-hour weeks at work, then come home late and work out at the gym every night because you want to be so tired that you don’t even dream about her when you’re asleep. I was in a bad spot.
See, in May of 2022, I met an amazing girl at a summer camp where I worked. I was a counselor, and she was on the housekeeping staff. She was on luggage duty that first week, and I had dropped by the luggage tent to grab some of my campers’ suitcases. I completely forgot what I was looking for within seconds of arriving, because right there in the middle of all the suitcases and sleeping bags and backpacks, was the most gorgeous girl I’d ever seen. She had stormy blue eyes and curly brown hair, and, as I would later come to find, a heart that loved the Lord.
I wasted no time walking over to her that day to crack some dumb joke and ask her her name. Over that summer, we formed a friendship. She was an excellent listener, and when I would have to deal with campers with rough backgrounds, or trauma, she was my go-to for solid advice and encouragement. On the weekends, we’d hang out. We’d get with a group of friends and play games like ping pong and spicy uno. One night, the two of us spent an hour trying to shoot a ping pong ball off a water bottle with Nerf gun. I goaded her every time she missed. Eventually, she’d had enough and playfully swung the gun in my direction and pulled the trigger, saying maybe the reason she was missing was because she wasn’t aiming at the right target. The foam dart flew perfectly through the air and knocked the left lens out of my glasses! She immediately dropped to the floor to look for it, apologizing profusely and promising to fix it. I calmed her down, stifling laughter, and told her that was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. That moment encapsulated her gentle, kind, and humorous nature, and I realized right then I was hooked. I was either gonna get the catch of my life, or that hook was gonna rip my heart right out of my chest.
I formed a friendship with her older brother, who was also a counselor, and eventually got the opportunity to meet all 8 of her siblings. Every single one of them knew who I was before I’d even met them. I was the guy head over heels for their sister. Evidently, not only was I being shipped by all my fellow counselors, and my cabin of boys each week, but also by her family as well! As the summer neared its end, I remember having a conversation with her one night. It was time to re-up, and she was pensive about signing up to work as a counselor in 2023. She was worried she wouldn’t know what to say or do. I told her she needed to go for it, as she’d basically been my stand-in sister counselor for most of the summer. She finally agreed.
Fall came and I went home to wrap up college. She went home to Greenville, doing housecleaning, babysitting, and helping with the family business. Still, I made it a point to call, text, and Facetime. I was in it to win it fellas. I went up and spent some weekends with her and her family, getting to know her parents, grandparents, and friends. As the semester went on, she was the one I went to regarding church stuff, the job hunt, and then eventually the apartment hunt. I tried my hardest to get a job near the Greenville area, but all the interviews fell through and God shut the door. Still, I kept on.
I moved to Charleston, SC in January of 2023. 3 hours away from her. Spring came and I began to get a little braver. She knew I didn’t want to be friends, even though that’s where we’d been sitting for seven months. In my mind, other than the distance, everything was perfect. We complimented each other greatly. She’d expressed interest in being a stay-at-home mom. With the job the Lord had blessed me with, I could support an entire family on my salary. She loved the Lord, I loved the Lord. She knew her Bible. She was a great sister to her siblings, a great daughter to her parents, and a great friend to her friends. We had great banter. It seemed that her family thought that I was great, and mine seemed to like her. She’d told me she supported traditional gender roles, and she wasn’t the kind to wait around forever for marriage and babies and building a life.
I kept on falling. I wrote songs about her and dreamed about her. The night my Papa died, she texted me out of the blue. We ended up getting on a call and talking for hours. I sat right on the floor in my apartment living room and cried my heart out right over the phone. I was at an awfully low point, and she was there. This only validated what I felt even more. Sure enough, a month later I told her I loved her.
All you guys reading this… never say those words to a woman unless you mean it, and you’re in a position where you’re willing to act on it. A guy who throws around the “L” word to get a woman to sleep with him is a mongrel. A boy who uses the “L” word with a high school crush is ignorant. In the process of romance, if a man tells a woman that he loves her, but he knows he has no intention of putting a ring on her finger, he’s a dirtbag. Full stop. Once you’ve said those words, you’ve handed her a piece of you that you won’t get back. In a perfect world, she loves and cherishes you as much as you do her, and nothing will go awry. Alas, that’s not always the case.
When I said those words and she didn’t say them back, I should’ve known. But I refused to see it. She said she didn’t know how she felt or what she wanted. She liked our friendship. I wanted more. I told her I couldn’t be friends forever. I said verbatim, “If we’re talking years from now, we’re going to be married”. Her response? “Well, obviously”. She said she couldn’t know unless we spent more time together. I took that as a good sign. A few weeks later, the weekend of May 28th, I went to work at 4 a.m. on Friday morning so I could get off in time to drive up that night. And so the weekend it began.
That following Saturday night, she had a babysitting gig, so I helped her father put a new counter with sinks in her and her sisters’ bathroom. As we worked, he asked me questions. Questions about my job, my plans, and my goals. Questions about my intentions. I was forthright and honest. He seemed satisfied. Everything was going along as expected. I wasn’t about to drop to a knee and propose, but I felt like I was getting the green light to at least begin pursuing a relationship that went deeper than friendship. I figured it had to be God’s timing, because, after all, I’d been waiting for A YEAR.
So the next afternoon, right before I left, I asked her if I could call her on the weekends during the summer (while she was away working as a counselor). She looked me straight in the eyes and said “I’d prefer not”. My world flipped. I didn’t know what to say, so I think I said “That’s fine”, and that was the end of it. My last image of her is her standing on her front porch in my rearview, watching me drive off. I barely remember the three-hour drive home that afternoon. I kept hoping she’d call or reach out. She never did. We exchanged obligatory birthday texts in August. A little life update text in September. Radio silence otherwise.
As I write this, I still don’t know what happened. There was no falling out and no drama. She has no idea how much that sentence broke me. But the oddest part is that I’m not mad at her. She wanted to be friends, and I didn’t. She rebuffed my advances and made it clear how she felt. Part of me wonders if the radio silence is a blessing. I’m pretty sure when she saw my face that afternoon, she knew I’d never be able to handle “just friends”, so she’s not going to try to force me to. I could call her right now and she’d pick up. But it would be as friends, and I can’t go back on what I meant when I said I loved her. If I saw her or talked to her, I’d still want more, and that would make it hard on both of us.
4 months have passed and I’m still not over it yet, but I know will be one day. The Lord has a girl out there that, when I see her, I will be thankful for this time of aloneness and heartbreak. Sam, that’s a really weird statement that sounds like some junk out of a self-help book.
Wait a minute guys. Let me explain. The sooner we get this the sooner we’ll excel in our relationships with the ladyfolk. Here it is, the golden crux, the main point…
She either is, or she isn’t. (any Louis Jordan fans out there???)
That’s two sides of the same coin Sam. Yep, it is. Yet, it seems like some of us still don’t get it. Listen.
If she is the one, then a love that grows from a time of separation is a love that will last. If she isn’t the one, then God has the actual one still waiting in the wings, and, by His grace, I dodged a bullet.
Regardless of how I feel in the moment, when I step back and look at the big picture, I realize I don’t lose either way IF I approach it God’s way.
So, while that coin is spinning in the air, and you don’t know if it’s going to land on heads or tails, what do you do? In that season of life where you are in a “don’t know” moment in regard to your relationships, what do you do? This is what I’ve asked God, and this is the answer He gave me.
Am I enough?
You see, Satan has a way of perverting the truth of God. That three-word statement has been perverted beyond belief in our culture. People miss this all the time. The “I” in that question isn’t you. It’s Jesus.
If I ask that question about myself, I’d have to begin the long, arduous journey down the path of self-help. I would have to do ridiculous self-affirmations in the mirror every morning, telling my reflection how valuable it is. I’d have to eat a gallon of ice cream in my bathrobe, then post a selfie of me with the empty carton on social media. The caption would have to be some nonsense about me enjoying dating myself. It would all be somewhat narcissistic and pitiful. I’m enough because my God is enough.
However, if Jesus looks at me, and asks me if HE is enough in my life, then I have to respond in a completely different way. Suddenly, the focus is shifted to “How can I better please Him?”, rather than “How can I better please me?”. Yes, I can say without a doubt that I think it would please me to have that girl RIGHT NOW. It would please me to see that relationship go in the direction I want it to RIGHT NOW. But would that please the Lord? After all, He is omniscient and all-knowing. While oft-quoted and oft-misrepresented, the truth of Jeremiah 29:11 still rings true.
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Jeremiah 29:11
So… if He wants what’s best for me, and there’s an expected end that He wants to bring me to, then He obviously knows the steps I need to take to get there. Let’s think this through logically. This is the thought process we all must take if we are to be men of might in our relationships.
Pray He’s in it.
As I’m pursuing a relationship, I’m praying that the Lord be in it. I know that He is listening to that prayer because I’m a child of His. Look here at Matthew 7:9-11
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Matthew 7:9-11
Pray He steers it.
I know I’m asking for a good thing (God’s direction in my relationship). God tells me in His Holy Word that he will give good things to his children when they ask Him, and God cannot lie. Thus, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is providing direction.
Therefore, if I, while maintaining my integrity and conduct, repeatedly attempt to steer a relationship in a certain direction and it’s not working, then it only makes sense that someone more powerful than me is steering in a different direction. In other words, God is keeping me from shooting myself in the foot. For reasons I can’t explain, He is preventing me from going down a path that He knows will be detrimental to me.
All that said, keep in mind that God doesn’t contradict himself. If you have entered a marital relationship with a woman, God won’t steer you in the direction of divorce
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Matthew 19:6
Pray He teaches you.
However, if you are seeking that mate, and you’ve brought that request before God repeatedly, yet you still are in a place of loneliness, don’t give up hope. Let’s apply it to my situation. If I stay in a place of pity and “woe is me”, then I am effectively telling God that I valued a relationship with this girl more than I value my relationship with Him. This is a dangerous position to be in men. Here’s the Heirarchy of Importance for relationships.
In the hierarchy of importance, your relationship with the Lord comes first, followed by your relationship with your female mate, followed by your relationship with your kids, then everyone else.
If you get this order wrong, then your life will go wrong. You will not reach the potential that you have. Your relationships will not be as satisfying, successful, or fulfilling, because you neglected to put first things first. Sadly, some men don’t figure this out until they’ve already said “I do” at the altar. If you’re in that position, 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us that God’s grace is sufficient, and He can work and move in our lives in spite of our weaknesses and the past mistakes we’ve made. If you haven’t made that mistake, thank the Lord and continue to seek His face as you look for the right girl. The Lord is teaching me about the importance of this order and His design in real-time. I am thankful for this, because, when the time is right and the girl is right, I will understand this very important principle, and THAT will make our connection much deeper and much stronger. (And that means I’ll have passed the class 😊)
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