Boats, Trains, Cars, and Planes

I was at a 60th wedding anniversary party in Buffalo, NY, a few days ago. My fiancé and I had gotten up at 3 AM the morning of the party, caught a 6AM to ATL out of CHS, then, after a brief layover caught the 9AM from ATL to BUF. We got to the airport in Buffalo just after 11AM, hungry and tired. The funniest (not-so-funny) part was that we were only going to be there for a day. The following morning, we were getting on another plane to head back to Charleston! But, 60th anniversaries don’t come around every day, so we did what we had to do.

This was a big trip for a few reasons. It was my first time flying and, needless to say, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I’d heard all kind of horror stories. My father basically refuses to get on a plane unless he is forced to for work. My mother has had all kinds of experiences throughout her career as well. I’d heard about the scary feeling of turbulence, the G-Forces off taking off and landing, people sprinting through terminals in fear of missing connections, sleeping on the floor during layovers, losing luggage, crying babies, and stunk up lavatories. Essentially, you’re trapped in a metal tube 35,000 feet in the air with a bunch of strangers, no leg room, trusting a man you’ve never met to pilot said metal tube so that you don’t become tube of meat, mangled in a fiery inferno. All the things. Now… thankfully… I found that I thoroughly enjoy flight (and I have full intentions of doing it again). There will be another post about that at some point, but that’s not the focal point of today.

It was also my first time meeting a lot of my soon-to-be in-laws. The family is very spread out and they aren’t as close as mine, but I’m traditional enough to feel a responsibility to attach a face to the name they’ve no doubt heard. A big occasion such as this called for a big celebration and a throng of people, so what better time would there be? And a celebration it was. We arrived at the house, positioned in a nondescript, classy corner of Buffalo suburbia, got our bags put into the bedroom, helped finish some last-minute food prep, and then people began arriving. The party went on into the night. Coming from a fairly calm, traditional, blessed, boring Christian background, the culture shock hit me. There will be a post about that to at some point, but that’s not the focal point of today.

The focal point is a statement that a lady told me that got me thinking. Evidently, she was in an introspective mood as she began telling me about her significant other. It was clear she’d had a few too many Trulys and High Noons when she drunkenly slurred out “you need to see him on a boat, train, car, and plane before you can know he’s the one”. It was such an odd statement that made perfect sense to her in her altered state, but definitely required a bit more unpacking on my end.

I think the point that she was trying to convey is that you need to see how someone responds under the stress of circumstances before you commit to them fully. Her litmus test was the stress of travel. I later found out her man had caused a scene or two after getting delayed at the airport the day prior. She came to the conclusion that she needed to see how he responded to the stress of all types of travel before she took their relationship further. At its base assumption, I think she had a valid point, but choosing a partner solely on how they respond to stress will not lead to a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Ideally, you don’t want to spend the majority of your time here on earth in a stressful state, so it wouldn’t make sense to choose someone based on that!

That begs the question then? How do you determine the right one? If you didn’t have cars, trains, boats and planes, how would you know when you found your soulmate?

Let’s dive into this….

Godliness

First and foremost, your life partner must be godly. Before you can know that someone is the one for you, you must know that God is the center of their lives.

You should not be the center of your significant other’s life. God should be.

If they are the rock on which you have built your world (or vice versa) then you are building on a shaky and unreliable foundation. The Bible speaks of what happens when someone tries to build a house on a shaky foundation.

²⁴ Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:

²⁵ And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.

²⁶ And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:

²⁷ And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

Matthew 7:24-27

Sand is definitely a prime example of a shaky foundation! It shifts. It is blown to and fro when the wind whips it up. It is turned to mud and slush when the waters rush over it. It is the last thing that you want to build a house on!

It’s not hard for us to understand this simple principle when it’s applied to physical dwellings, so why do we have such a hard time applying it to our emotional dwellings? What do I mean by emotional dwelling? First, let’s figure out what dwelling means. According to Merriam Webster, a dwelling is the shelter in which you live.

Did you know that you need emotional shelter just like how you need physical shelter? You need a place to rest when life rains down on you and besets you with burdens and trials. Many people try to find this emotional shelter in the arms and heart of a significant other. It is important that you have a level of intimacy that allows you to share those burdensome moments with, but it is wrong to look at them as the sole shelter from the storm.

Why? Because they are human just like we are. None of us inherently possess the ability to weather the storms of life alone. We weren’t designed to. The storms of our life are designed to point us to our heavenly father. Indeed, He is closest to those of a broken heart.

¹⁸ The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Psalm 34:18

So, it is unrealistic of me to look to another person to fill a God-sized hole in my life! My foundation should be in Christ alone. Your significant other’s foundation should be in Christ alone. When both of you are standing on the Solid Rock, arm-in-arm-lockstep with each other, your relationship will be that much deeper, more meaningful, and stronger, because God is the center point. Your person comes second to your God. They can’t be an idol in your life that you put before him. If they are (or you’re an idol to them), then difficult conversations need to be had on how to rectify that situation. It will only lead to more stress and heartache.

Service

Secondly, the one will possess a servant’s heart. There needs to be a desire in their life (as well as yours) to come alongside and uplift the other. Does this mean the woman has to cook all the meals and the man has to always cut the grass? No! But it does mean that there needs to be a shared sense of responsibility in propelling the relationship forward. I’ve seen couples where there is a constant giver and a constant taker. They are constantly tugging at each other, and one or the other will inevitably feel undervalued or underappreciated. The giver will feel unappreciated, so they will harbor resentment for what they see as undue or extra sacrifice. If they pull back in their giving, the taker may suddenly feel undervalued, as they will notice the change in the level of treatment they are receiving.

Thus, at the end of the day, both people go away hurting. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be of course! We are supposed to serve the other person.

⁴ The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

1 Corinthians 7:4

This verse flies in the face of all of those who claim that the Bible is some sort of misogynistic book designed to oppress women. It’s not. The husband is supposed to serve the wife, while the wife is supposed to serve the husband. It’s a two-lane highway. So many couples would be better off if they started practicing some of these principles earlier in the relationship, whether it be the dating phase (or courtship if you prefer), or the engagement period. Now… that said, there are certain “powers over the body” that one should not possess until the marriage vows have been exchanged, like in the case of sexual interaction, but the premise of serving the other can, and indeed should, be integrated into the relationship dynamic as soon as possible.

I have seen interactions where, upon hearing of the proposal of their child, a parent has unleashed their opinions upon the fiancé, complaining of unrealized potential in their child or the fear of a marriage stifling their child’s future plans and aspirations. In a God-centered relationship, where service to the other is paramount, this is not an issue. In that ideal scenario, the spouse will elevate their partner, helping them reach those higher goals and future plans, rather than deterring them from it. They will grow together as a unit. This particular idea brings to mind a tweet I posted a while back.

Getting married young isn't a bad thing. You'll never fully know someone. Life changes you and it changes them. But… if both parties align around common, unshakeable, faith-filled truths, the parts of the relationship that make you and your spouse compatible will never change.

— Samuel Howell (@ActuallySamuelH) August 29, 2024

Commitment

We live in a world today that, by and large, lacks commitment.

• We don’t commit to jobs, we job hop.
• We don’t commit to churches, we church hop.
• We don’t commit to communities, we become digital nomads.
• We don’t commit to families, we sideline developing those familial bonds so the kids can play sports, or we can pursue career advancement, or everyone can sit in silence and binge-watch media, rather than eating a meal together.
• With the rise of social media and the idea of a digital life, we don’t really see the need to commit to friends, as we can always go online and find a new group to “belong” to.
• We don’t commit to our kids. We let them be babysat by the educational system and the media conglomerate.
• We don’t commit to our romantic partners. We have a “swipe left on love” mentality, where the grass is always greener on the other side. The options are endless. The dating apps are endless. Profile pics and bios and one-night stands are thrown in our faces like candy.
• We don’t commit to our spouses. The ballpark of 50% of marriages end in divorce. (And for those who say, “divorce rates are down”, please understand that is only because cohabitation rates are up… which is ironically another form of lacking commitment. You can’t commit to marrying the person, so you decide to just live with them.)

What is a commitment at its core? A commitment is an unwavering resolution to see something through to totality and completion, regardless of the emotional, physical, or spiritual turmoil one must endure during the process.

A commitment is an unwavering resolution to see something through to totality or completion, regardless of the emotional, physical, or spiritual turmoil one must endure during the process.

— Samuel Howell (@ActuallySamuelH) September 11, 2024

So, what does this mean in the context of finding “the one” for you? First, you need to understand that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and skeletons in the closet. Remember, if you think you’ve found someone who is perfect (and therefore y’all’s relationship is perfect), rethink it, because you’re part of that equation, and you’re not perfect 😁.

The only example of perfection is Jesus Christ. He alone walked blameless among us. He was tempted as we are, but He did not fall.

¹⁵ For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

Hebrews 4:15

We, on the other hand, make mistakes. It’s part of the human existence. When you realize this fact, you quickly realize that you have to modify the approach you take in dealing with others, for they too are struggling with the same imperfections that you are.

You have to exhibit grace, mercy, and forgiveness if you are to be successful in your relationship with the one God has for you. They have to exhibit the same principles towards you. Together, you both must commit to standing on the principles daily. This is an easy commitment to make on the good days, but it’s considerably more challenging on the bad.

You have to exhibit grace, mercy, and forgiveness if you are to be successful in your relationship with the one God has for you.

Remember the definition of commitment that I provided earlier? Yep. You have to forgive even when it stings. You have to resolve within yourself to exhibit mercy even when it hurts. You have to commit to working through the tough topics and the sensitive issues, knowing that your love for the other person (and the overarching love for the Lord that you both prioritize individually) with bring both of you back into reconciliation once the conflict has subsided.

There are couples who shirk this level of commitment towards each other. When things are uncomfortable, they slip them under the rug, or they lay another brick.

What do you mean “lay another brick” Sam?

I want you to think about the idea of a line on the floor, separating you and your partner. Every time you leave an argument unresolved, you place a brick along that line. Every time you leave a fight unfinished, you place another brick. A sorry left unsaid? Another brick. A refusal to ask for forgiveness? Another brick. A refusal to forgive. Another brick.

Soon, you’ve built up a wall between you and your partner. I talked to a man a while back who seem to have the perfect life on the outside. Lots of kids. A big house. A big salary. Married for over 15 years. I asked him what his key to success had been. He dropped his voice, looked over his shoulder (although we were alone in the room) and whispered that he was miserable. He told me he was working a job he didn’t like, living in a place he didn’t like, throwing away thousands of dollars in useless expenditure every month, all because he and his wife had built a wall, brick by brick, over the course of their marriage.

“There’s certain subjects we just can’t talk about Sam. I don’t know what she’d do if we opened some of those doors. Would she leave me and the kids? Would she just scream? Would she just cry? Would she get physically violent? I genuinely don’t know. So, I keep quiet, and I keep the peace.”

He acknowledged that he had contributed to the problem. Years of pushing things under the rugs, hiding them behind the curtain, and placing down bricks had built up a wall. Something tells me his wife probably feels the same way. You must be committed from day one that you will communicate with your partner. And they must share in this commitment as well. Lest the wall is built. Now… if you’re already there, you have to commit to ripping on the band-aid and tearing that brick wall down, bit by bit. Will it hurt? Yes. But if you approach it prayerfully, knowing that you will remain committed to your significant other through the challenges, it is possible.

So… I don’t think cars, trains, boats, and planes is the litmus test we need to use to determine if someone is the one for us. God has a person for each of those who he has planned to experience the joy of marriage. And, if you learn now to look at potential mates through the lens of those core principles of godliness, service, and commitment (and practice them within yourself too) you will find that when God puts your SO in your path, you’ll be ready.