Last updated on July 5th, 2024 at 07:08 pm
Seems like a lot of people struggle with happiness. Thousands of books have been written on the subject, “how to live happier”. Thousands of blog posts (just like this one 😁). Hundreds of seminars. Research studies. TED Talks. Yep…it would seem humans are obsessed with the idea of being happy. The question is why? Why is happiness so important? Why are people willing to give up so much to obtain it? Why are they willing to go such great lengths? We’ll switch careers, switch friends, switch projects, switch goals, all in an attempt to achieve it.
Indeed, often, we focus too much on trying to obtain happiness through physical things or interpersonal relationships. We look for happiness in a corvette, or a big house, or a pretty woman. We look for it in the validation of our friends, the adoration of our inferiors, or the acceptance of our superiors. Perhaps this is the wrong way to go about it?
I got sent a snippet from a book someone was reading that was exploring this very question. There were 5 bullet points (that we’re going to walk through here in a minute) that summed up some alternative approaches to obtaining happiness. I noticed two things about all these points: they’re all inward-focused actionable items and, as such, they require a strong shift of one’s mentality, rather than a strong shift of one’s outward circumstance.
This means you have to put in the work in your head before you do so with your hands, AND you can’t expect the outward fruition of your efforts (shifting the circumstance) to keep you in a state of happiness. It will always be a battle you must fight and maintain in the mental space, rather than the material space. So, with all the philosophical nonsense out the way… let’s dive in!
Refusing to live in the past.
How many times do we find ourselves saying, “if I had only done X, then Y would (or wouldn’t) have happened!”? Not everyone likes to Monday-morning quarterback others, but we ALL do it to ourselves at some point or another. It’s part of being human. You live and you learn. The problem we get stuck with sometimes is that we don’t simply watch the replay once, but we choose instead to leave it on a loop. We don’t move past it. As a result, we cripple our ability to look at our today and practice forethought. We choose instead to live our today as if it is an afterthought.
What does it really mean to not live in the past? Does that mean that I ignore everything before 12:00 AM? Does it mean that I refuse to use the experiences of yesterday to frame my reference for today? Not necessarily. To not live in the past means that I don’t expect my yesterday to be my today.
It’s easy do get stuck in a cycle where every day is a repeat from the day before. People are creatures of habit and pattern. For example, some of us get up, brush our teeth, make a lunch, drive to work, clock in, work, clock out, hit the gym, cook dinner, shower, then sleep. Then we get up and do it all again the next day. Day in and day out we repeat this cycle. Over and over and over. It’s fine to do this. Indeed, part of life is monotony, but we can’t take this monotony and turn it into a mindset.
Monotony can’t be mindset.
Samuel Howell
What happens when a monotonous physical existence turns into a monotonous mental existence? Then you get stuck in the doom cycle. You start to live in the past, because, in your head, today was just like yesterday. If you got hurt yesterday, then you just know that you’re going to get hurt today. If you were stressed out yesterday, then you’re going to be stressed out today. Do you see how the pattern repeats? Before long, you’ve effectively spun yourself off course.
We can overcome this by choosing to treat each day for what it is: a new opportunity. Each day is going to bring joys and challenges. Some days may put you on a high, while others may put you on a low. Still, at the end of the day (pun intended), it’s a 24-hour chunk that has come and gone. So why let yesterday define today? Looking for new things to experience, and allowing your mental focus to be consumed by that, rather than bemoaning missed opportunities of yesterday, will elevate your mood and brighten your outlook on life, guaranteed.
The absence of suspicion, resentment and regret.
I’m a naturally pessimistic person. I know this about myself. I’m always looking for the angle, and I see glasses half-empty, rather than half-full. It’s something that the Lord is working on me about. Through the battle I fight with maintaining a positive attitude, I’m repeatedly reminded of one simple truth. So many people would live in such a better state if they didn’t spend the majority of their internal dialogue listening to (and engaging in) suspicion, resentment, and regret.
Suspicion
What do you do when you’re naturally suspicious? You look at everyone through the lens of “what’s the angle?”. In your mind, people don’t do things from the kindness of their hearts, but rather they do it for personal gains and strides. Everyone, including yourself, is mercenary in the way they interact with the people around them. It’s a scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours type of culture. You combine that mindset with an unhealthy distrust of others, and that leads you to isolate yourself. As this isolation deepens, it actively dissuades you from building positive support systems in your life, funded and anchored by deep, satisfying relationships. You begin to view everyone as a tool to be handled and regarded with cautionary care. Does this sound like the life of a happy person? No!
So how do we get past it? You have to make the mental switch to assuming the best of people, rather than the worst. I will not be suspicious of someone if I initially believe them to be truthful and honest. Now… does this mean that I stick my hand in a snake den and don’t expect to get bit? Absolutely not! Rather, I don’t assume at first glance that that people are the snakes who are trying to bite me.
Resent
What do you do when you’re resentful? You default to begrudging bitterness after you’ve been wronged. It is not wrong to feel resent. It is a natural response. But… to be a resentful person (aka be defined by your resent) is not good. Resentful people carry their hurt and pain like a badge of honor. It’s one if the first things that you notice when you see them. They carry around anger, hostility, frustration, and a sense of uneasiness.
Doesn’t really sound like the place anyone wants to be right?
Most likely, the resent was triggered by a feeling of being put down, or taken advantage of, or not being heard, or holding unrealistic expectations. There are a few ways these triggers lead to an unhealthy lifestyle change. When we decide to hold onto those negative feelings, rather than simply feel them, then let them go, we run the risk of becoming resentful people. When we lose the ability to stop replaying the event that caused the intense emotion, then we run that risk. When those negative thoughts take over and linger, they can stay for long periods of time… sometimes even years!
Becoming resentful means you will eventually apply the object of your resent to all aspects of your life. You’ll think back to the trigger event and feel regret (which we’ll get to in a minute) and remorse. Certain people or situations in your life may further trigger those unwanted memories, which will further isolate you as you attempt to avoid situations which bring up those negative emotions. Your isolation may then encourage a grudge mentality and passive-aggressiveness. As you can tell, giving resentment a hold in your life in one area may very well lead to a spiral in all areas.
So how do we move past it? How do we live happier? First, we need to think about why it’s so difficult for us to forgive.
Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the chains of resentment.
Samuel Howell
Sometimes, it’s harder to let go than it is to hold on. When you try to stop resentment, you may find that the old resistance, fear, and anger spring up with a renewed vigor in your head. Recognize that those emotions are flawed defense mechanisms and let them go. Don’t stifle the emotion. Feel it, then let it ride off into the sunset.
Regret
What do you do when you hold onto regret? You beat yourself up about things that are in the rearview. You allow your past decisions and mistakes that you can no longer change to control your mindset today. It’s a vicious cycle that people often get locked into, and we’ll discuss it a bit more here in the next main point…
Not wasting time and energy fighting conditions you cannot change
At a certain point, regret has the potential to become a waste of time and energy. Yes, it is perfectly fine to recognize your wrongdoings and wish it be different. BUT… when the wishing for yesterday to be different overshadows the importance of making better decisions today, you’re making a mistake. There are a couple ways that we can pull ourselves out of this mental trap that we’ll briefly run through. However, the essential idea is that we take our energy and our time and we devote it to forward-thinking endeavors, rather than things in our pasts.
One way that some people use to break through the “wish it was different” wall is the idea of mental contrasting. Mental contrasting is when you take a few moments to envision, in granular detail, how things would’ve been had you made a different choice.
Wait a minute Sam. I thought we’re NOT supposed to be dwelling on the past….
Stick with me here. The general idea is that you experience the other decision mentally, since you cannot experience it physically in the moment. THEN, you sit down and plan a way to carry out the scenario you just imagined. For example, if you regret a potential job decision that led to you not receiving the promotion you wanted, what are the steps that you need to take now to be ready for the promotion next time it opens up? If you regret a conversation that led to a broken friendship, what are the steps that you need to take to mend that relationship?
Obviously, there are certain things that you can’t change in life. We can’t bring people back from the dead. We can’t unsay words that have already been said or undo actions that have already been done. In those situations, we simply need to seek resolution within ourselves. We don’t have to like how things are, but we have to find a calm acceptance with them, so that we don’t continue to allow the regret to consume us.
Forcing yourself to get involved in the current world around you.
It’s no surprise that that people who isolate themselves from others are rarely as fulfilled or happy as their socially active counterparts. The CDC released a study earlier this year that found that 6.4% of adults who lived alone reported feelings of depression, compared with 4.1% who didn’t. Social isolation and loneliness are real things that often affect our ability to feel accepted and fulfilled. God designed us to be together, not apart. All the way in Genesis, He made the point of saying that is wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. He needed a counterpart, so God created Eve. Now, not everyone always needs to go the marriage route, but we all need to have social interaction. This type of interaction is integral in a happy life.
One way that we can do this is forcing ourselves to get involved. When I first moved to Charleston in early 2022, I had no one and nowhere to go. I went to work, sat in my office, then came home and sat in my apartment. In the weekends, I grocery-shopped, did my budgeting, and prepped my meals. It was awful. At some point, I had enough and I decided to force myself to get involved with the world around me. Now, I may have took it overboard once or twice, but I realized that I needed to do more than just sit with myself all the time.
I ended up getting involved in a local church, taking on more responsibility at work and meeting new people, and generally trying to get out more. As a result, my network of people grew and expanded. I begin having opportunities to help others and pour into them (which made me really happy). I had the opportunity to go visiting shut-ins and hospital folks with the pastor of the church I attended. I had opportunities to take a couple Saturday’s and come into work to learn other jobs and meet new operators, electricians, and mechanics. I joined the gym and started working out with some coworkers. Was it tiring sometimes? Yes. Did I go to sleep at night feeling that I had wasted another day? No.
Stop procrastinating. Get out. Get involved. Force yourself to get involved with the world around you. Volunteer at the soup kitchen. Join the gym. Cook a meal for someone else. These are all things that are going to take your attention off that depressed feeling of loneliness. These are all situations that, if handled properly, will allow you to meet other people and begin to build that network.
Refusing to indulge in self-pity.
Lastly, we can’t be indulging in self-pity. There are “therapists” out there who will encourage clients to participate in dumb ideas like self-love talk, and daily affirmations, and all that other psych nonsense. Essentially, all of that is an unholy amalgamation of narcissism and self-pity. Self-pity is where you desire the attention of others, but you seek to gain it by having them affirm and corroborate your negative feelings towards yourself. If I break my leg and can’t walk, and then all I do when I’m around others is bemoan the fact that I can’t walk, then chances are I’m engaging in self-pity. I want them to see that I can’t walk and give me attention in the form of “oh you poor thing… I’m so sorry you can’t walk”. If I’m one of those deranged snowflakes online, who’ll film themselves rocking and crying and self-love talking for clicks on TikTok, then I’m engaging in self-pity. I want them to give me attention and affirm those negative feelings that I’m spewing out.
We can avoid this trap if we learn to live with thick skin. Not the kind of thick skin that build up walls and keeps us from forming connections with people, but the kind that accepts that life isn’t always good and rolls with it. Thick-skin people apply all the principles we talked about earlier. They put it into practice. People with thick skin take the hits and keep moving. Like I said earlier, they’re not engaging in the self-pity because they’re looking towards the future, getting involved in the current world around them, not living with resent and regret, etc.
Want to know how to live happier? In essence, living happier comes down to living life purposefully with a forward-focused mindset. My personal happiness comes from taking that attitude and marrying it with the plan that God has put in place for my life. He has a plan for you to, if only you would accept his son Jesus and ask him to reveal it to you. Remember…tomorrow may bring new challenges, but it will also contain new opportunities, and that’s something to be happy about!
