I am beginning to write this article in somewhat of a foul mood. I have been in this mood for almost two weeks now. I am unsure how to get out of it. Rather than continue to stew in my head, I figured now would be as good of a time as any to put it on a page and try to make sense of it. After, at some point, we have to stop focusing on the problem itself, and rather focus on what can be learned from it.
I was supposed to be in North Charleston tonight. I had been invited by a pastor to his church’s Christmas get-together at Golden Corral. There was going to be plenty of food and White Elephant. I like White Elephant and I like food, so I was planning on going. I even went out last night and bought some little goodies to take with me for the gift exchange. I knew I would be the only one my age there, but, still, it was some form of social interaction outside of the confines of my 4 office walls, so I was okay with it.
Of course, I leave work today at 5 PM, and traffic is backed up miles before the on-ramp to the bridge to reach North Charleston. Truckers, tired 9-5ers, school kids, and me. All on the one right lane, surrounded by traffic cones and markers that have been up since I moved here a year ago. Then the professional Karens started whipping out the lane, flying down the road, then attempting to cut back in at the front, further backing everyone up. Needless to say, after 11 hours at the office, I was not a happy camper.
This is nothing new. It is part of the reason I go nowhere during the week, other than work and home. It is part of the reason I resent living in Charleston entirely. So. Much. Traffic. Traffic paired with selfish and erratic people makes for… Interesting times. So, I proceeded to turn around and go home. That didn’t help, because THEN I got stuck in the OTHER DIRECTION, with everyone getting off 526 to go into Mt Pleasant. I couldn’t win.
My traffic situation feels somewhat symbolic of my current situation. I feel stuck. I type on a keyboard for work all day, Then, I work out. Then, I come home, sit in this one-bedroom apartment, and type on a keyboard to do more writing. My level of social interaction is embarrassingly low. It’s not for lack of trying, I can assure you. I simply haven’t found like-minded people in the area I’m at. I’m thankful for friends and family far away, but I wish I had people here. I wish I had friends here. I know I’m not alone in that wish (pun 100% intended). 73% of my generation feels the same way. Loneliness is on the rise. In an increasingly digitally connected world, we continue to decline in levels of social connection. That’s an interesting thought worth exploring in another article though.
Aside from clubs and bars, I’ve tried all kinds of places to meet good people. I’ve been to churches, Bible Study groups, work outings, and gyms. Those who know me say I’m outgoing and sociable. Where’s the disconnect? I’m just a guy trying to live right and do right. Where are the others like me looking for the same? It got so bad last week I honestly contemplated going bar-hopping. I was so upside-down I tried to justify hanging out with those who would genuinely pull me off the straight and narrow. I called my Pops, and he talked me off that cliff, but just the fact that it got to that point served as a wake-up call. What. Am. I. Doing. Here.
I pay a house payment every month for a one-bedroom apartment. And it’s going up 10% next leasing term. Houses where I live are going for $850k, so that’s out of the question. The closest thing that would be affordable to me is an hour from work, one way. Rates are at 8% though, so I can’t do that. I hear when rates drop, prices will rise, which further complicates things. I pay through the nose to live 15 minutes from a city I’ve visited 5 times in the past year. I’m not in the “city scene”. I rarely eat out, don’t shop, and I have no use for bars and clubs. What. Am. I. Doing. Here.
The Sodom Canaan Question
I wonder sometimes if I’ve made a mistake. Am I Lot? Did I look upon the land, see something that I thought was good for me, and decide to selfishly take it? I get paid very well at my job. The benefits, retirement, and perks are all very nice. I looked at this as a golden ticket, but now I’m wondering if it was THE golden ticket I should have pursued. Being constantly on-call and being at work at 6 AM 5 days a week weighs on me at times. I live in one, if not the most, pagan, liberal cities in the state of SC. It’s a college party town full of homosexuality, drunkenness, promiscuity, and consumerism. It’s a Sodom in its own right. I know God has people everywhere, and He’s allowed me to meet a few down here in the past year, but they all seem to be older men and women. The younger generation doesn’t care. To them, the church is a social club at best, and a heretic bag of bigots at worst.
7 months before he died, my previous pastor in Florence, SC asked me to be his associate. I think about that a lot. I would have potentially been a lead pastor right now. That offer was right before I accepted the job here in Charleston. I turned down an opportunity in ministry because I didn’t want to “waste” my Computer Science degree and miss out on making a lot of money. My pastor did the same thing when he was my age. He worked his way up to being a supervisor at ESAB before he quit and went into the ministry full-time. He impacted a lot of people at the ESAB plant for Christ. Still, he told me he regretted not giving in to God sooner. I think about that a lot. Was that the moment God laid out Canaan and Sodom before my eyes and asked me to pick? Did I choose wrong and now I’m paying the consequences?
I’m not sure. Sodom didn’t even have 10 righteous people in it. I’ve met more godly people than that this past year down here. They haven’t been in my age range, but they’re genuine believers. I’ve been able to help out at different churches. I’ve been able to fill in a pulpit and play a few songs. I’ve led prayers and participated in Bible studies. I’ve tried to be involved. I’ve been told I’m an answer to prayer. Yet, I don’t feel like an answer to prayer. Can you be someone’s answer to prayer if you’re in the permissive will of God? Is He working something together for good that wasn’t the best to begin?
The Perfect Permissive Question
The permissive versus perfect question has always bothered me. Saul was in the permissive will of God when he threw the spear to kill David.
And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin; but he slipped away out of Saul’s presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall: and David fled, and escaped that night.
1 Sa 19:10.
There is no way God wanted Saul to kill David, who was the man God had destined to be the next king of Israel. Thus, we can determine that Saul was acting in God’s permissive will when he threw that javelin. God was PERMITTING Saul to do something using his free will. This was not something that God would have preferred or wanted Saul to do, as the intent of the action was malignant and evil. The evil action of Saul, who was acting in God’s permissive will, directly affected David, who was in the perfect will of God. David was seeking to follow God. God had placed him in Saul’s house, where he served Saul obediently. So was it in God’s perfect will for David to have a spear shucked at him?
When I turned that associate pastorship, was I acting in the permissive will of God? Does that mean that the new pastor of that church, who I believe was led there by the Lord, is acting in God’s perfect will or a permissive will? How could it be God’s perfect will for someone to walk a path created by another person acting in God’s permissive will? I am sure that I am simply overanalyzing this in my head, but, as I write, the thoughts flow.
I prayed about this job. I have flourished in the job. I am accomplishing things. My boss is appreciative of my work. My teammates value my efforts. That could all change tomorrow, as people can be fickle. However, as it currently stands, it would seem that the Lord has blessed my efforts at this software engineering job. So why do I sometimes feel as if I “missed” something? Is that just the devil trying to make me doubt? I can be in the storm and have the peace that God has me where I need to be. I pray that the Lord’s Spirit will bear witness to mine. Help me see God. Please bring me that peace.
For a time, I thought being in God’s perfect will would bring you peace. Then I got to thinking… I know Joseph was in God’s perfect will. There’s no way he felt at peace, locked away for years on end in a dungeon. I know Job was in God’s perfect will. There’s no way he felt at peace as sores covered his body and he mourned the loss of his children. Then I thought, maybe it’s like a feeling of inner peace, even though outwardly you’re going through a hard time. But that was wrong as well. In his dialogue, we see that Job doesn’t have inner peace any more than outer peace.
I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; Yet trouble came.
Job 3:26
The Hebrew word there for rest (שָׁקַט) means quiet tranquility. Tranquility is calmness and peace. This was nonexistent in Job’s life at this time, understandably. We can see here explicitly where Job says he didn’t have that peace.
Then I think of David. I doubt he had peace when he was running and hiding from Saul. Psalm 18, which was written while David was on the run, says…
4 The sorrows of death compassed me,
Psalm 18:4-6
And the floods of ungodly men made me afraid.
5 The sorrows of hell compassed me about:
The snares of death prevented me.
6 In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried unto my God:
He heard my voice out of his temple,
And my cry came before him, even into his ears.
The Hebrew word there for the sorrows of ( חֶבֶל) means “cords and bands”. It’s the idea of restriction to the nth degree. It is all-encompassing. The type of sorrow that wraps around your chest and cinches down, bringing you a breath away from suffocation. Understandably, this is not something that you’d associate with peace.
3 Kinds of Peace
Thus, I’m back at square one. Shouldn’t I feel peace in God’s will? If so, what kind of peace is it? In its essence, only 3 kinds of peace exist in a man. There is physical peace, emotional peace, and spiritual peace. Physical peace is peace within the external facets of your existence. I can be at physical peace when my body isn’t sick. When I am well-rested, my joints don’t ache, and I’m not running fevers or fighting illnesses, I can be at physical peace. Emotional peace is peace with my internal dialogue. When I’m not in a state of contention with a loved one, when I’m not feeling extreme pressure to perform at work, or I’m not worried about an upcoming event, like a test or a doctor’s appointment, I can be at emotional peace. Spiritual peace is peace with my Savior. It is by far the hardest to diagnose and deal with. Sometimes, I find it difficult to connect with my Lord, which puts me in a place of spiritual unrest.
Those who live apart from God live in a state of constant spiritual unrest. However, it is also true that Christians can go through times of spiritual unrest. To understand why this is, we must recognize that each facet of peace directly affects its two counterparts. For example, when I am physically sick (less physical peace), I have less emotional bandwidth to deal with problems if they arise (less emotional peace). When I feel stressed about my job (less emotional peace), I have trouble sleeping, which affects my physical rest (less physical peace). When I am not at peace with my brother (less emotional peace), it affects my ability to be at peace with my God (less spiritual peace). We can see this laid out in 1 John 4:20.
If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
1 Jn 4:20.
Can liars be in the right relationship with the Lord? Can liars be at peace with God? Spiritual rest can be affected by emotional state and physical state. Those who innately know they are not at rest with their Creator will seek substitution elsewhere, which will lead to more dissatisfaction and unrest, as nothing can satisfy like the Lord.
Should living a life in the center of God’s Will bring me physical peace and emotional peace? No. I don’t think so. Missionaries in God’s will, living in the jungles and surviving by meager means to reach natives are removed from physical peace. A pastor, worried and concerned about the spiritual or physical well-being of his flock, will not be at emotional peace. HOWEVER, I would think walking the path the Lord has set for you would bring you spiritual peace. Indeed, the Bible says…
18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.
Ps 34:18-19
Regardless of the broken heart and the afflictions, the Lord is nigh unto you, which should serve as a source of spiritual peace. That place of brokenness, approached with a heart sensitive to the Spirit, should engender a closer walk with God, and a closer sense of spiritual peace. Maybe that is the lesson that the Lord is trying to teach me in this time of discomfort.
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